I almost died at Target

my father calls to tell me he thinks i should seriously be considering a career in politics. i try to tell him that "me", my "life" doesn't mesh well with the current political climate. He doesn't agree, but he also still thinks all of my tattoos are temporary. He's decided to devote his time to making painted fish out of driftwood. He thinks this might be his true calling. My mother makes signs out of driftwood, but I didn't tell him, so he'll probably never know. its just weird i guess.

Our next door neighbor comes over to watch tv and drink on the couch. Before he leaves he crouches next to where I am lying on the floor and asks how everything is going. I don't know what to say really, so I tell him "not bad". He tells me he likes my boyfriend, seems like a nice guy, always has his face buried in a book.
I have to explain to him that I don't have a boyfriend, he's talking about John.
"You said you had a boyfriend"
"I did"
"What happened?" he asks.
"I don't know. broke up"
He touches my hand.
"Well men are shit. You don't let a man bring trash into your life. A lot of people mistake kindness for stupidity."
He grasps the ashtray between us and considers picking it up, then moves it aside. "No I won't use this as trash" he says, then grabs the water bottle behind my shoulder.
"Say I'm the man, and this is trash. He brings in the trash and you have to THROW IT" he whips the bottle at the front door and it clamors off the ceiling the cap flying back in our direction. "Don't let him bring it into your home. There's barely a man worth shit in this day and age. HIM.." he gestures towards his apartment and his boyfriend, "He's not worth..." he blows a raspberry and stares intently at me. His spit is flecked on my cheek.
"You need to find the most handsome beautiful man you can and let him fuck you, have one kid and adore it. It'll be your best friend and if your man abuses you, fuck him. I should take my own advice." He proceeds to tell us that his boyfriend is a phenomenal fuck.
I stand up to go to the kitchen but he stops me.
"Do you want to know your future?" he asks.
"You're going to meet a beautiful guy, not some DEAD BEAT DAD, some TURD," he spits. "They're all LOSERS and you'll fuck him and sometimes he'll be there and sometimes he won't. You'll have really happy years and you'll have some really sad years and you'll have a kid, one kid, and it'll be your best friend."
He is staring at me very intently and because I have no reaction I walk into the kitchen to make tea. While I am gone he tells Scarlett my man will die way before me. That's cheerful.
John is in the kitchen and I attempt to tell him all I have learned in the past few minutes.
"John the neighbor is predicting my future" I whisper. "I'm going to have one kid and its going to be my best friend"
"Boy or girl?" he asks.
"He didn't say." I answer. "It's not important. How sad is it that I have to spawn my own best friend?"
We both laugh but John looks at me intently.
"Wait," he says. "That look you're giving me. You're worried that it might be true."
Yeah. You're bound to love me by blood you little fucker.

just another normal night at the house.

don't worry. i'm bound to die young. probably choking on a nacho at target. which I almost did last week. And you know, that negates everything you've ever done in your life, choking on a nacho at target, too embarrassed to even ask someone to do the Heimlich maneuver.